The Child Whisperer

Last weekend was a bit of a special occasion for my family. We were invited to a local company's employee appreciation party, which in and of itself isn't anything special. Except, that instead of the normal suit-and-tie banquet-style affair, it was a gigantic carnival replete with rides, games, and free food! Everything was free. No money necessary. It was beyond amazing! Besides being a boon for us, the fair attracted more than 35,000 employees from all over the state. A staggering number, without a doubt, but what's even more staggering is the amount of people watching one can do while at an event of that magnitude.

When that many people descend on a single area for any length of time, you can really see human beings devolve right in front of your eyes. In the midst of all the chaos, one moment in time burned in my brain more than anything else. I was standing in line for a complimentary corndog, (Did I mention they were free?) and standing in front of me, also waiting for some free eats, was a family of three. A mother, a father, and a child; Just standing there. Waiting. Nothing seemingly out of the ordinary. And as I observed them waiting in line I noticed something peculiar. The child, who was no more than three years old, had on a backpack that was in the form of a monkey. Again, nothing seemingly weird. However, attached to the bottom of the backpack was what could only be described as a giant, furry, tail-like tether. Whose other end was firmly in the grasp of his mother. And then it hit me. It's a leash! A specifically made human leash designed for a child! Being held by his own mom. I couldn't believe this was legal, let alone an acceptable form of child-rearing. I have a son, who at times can make Charles Manson look like a soccer mom, however, before that day I had never considered using a human leash to keep him in line.

Any parent's worst nightmare is to rear a child who is so uncontrollable that Super Nanny would kindly pass. With that said, it did get me thinking that maybe this prodigious family had stumbled on to something that would revolutionize parenting as we knew it! Dr. Spock, Dr. Sears, What to Expect in the First Year; all decent options when wondering how best to raise your child. But, I've appropriated a theory that may blow those, so-called, parenting experts hypotheses right out of the water. My suggested reading can also be found at almost any bookstore! Here it is: Cesar's Way: The Natural, Everyday Guide to Understanding and Correcting Common Dog Problems. Why not? Let's take the carnival family's approach and run with it! Cesar Millan is National Geographic's very own “Dog Whisperer”, and I would be willing to bet that the family with the human-leash own this book, and employ many of his other techniques on a daily basis. Think about it! If you can train a dog with certified techniques, why not use them on children? Is your kid is running around the house destroying everything in his path? Put him in his crate. Having problems potty training? Rub his nose in it. Yelling and screaming? Put on his trusty bark collar. A little electroshock never hurt anyone...at least in small doses.

I'm not saying that this should supplant common child-rearing techniques, but how different are small children from dogs, anyway? It may be worth a shot! The leash was just the start. I think I might be on to something big. ¡Viva la Revolución!