Searching row after row, you finally spy your favorite spot. You move quickly. Stealthily. You sit down, lean back, and rest your uncomfortably large drink in the cup holder. Digging through your “small” bag of popcorn you wait with eager anticipation as the seconds tick by. The lights finally dim. You stare intensely at the monolithic silver window that holds the key to all your escapist fantasies.
And then it happens.
It starts innocently enough. A seat shift here, a rustling of wrappers there, even hearing the sound of noisy, saliva-laden mandibles ripping through a red vine like a lion feeding on a gazelle carcass. These movie theater transgressions can be overlooked at first, as nine times out of ten these minor annoyances end with a fizzle. The film starts, the noise stops. It's that simple. However, a disturbing trend has arisen from these irritating habits. A one time exception to the rule has become the rule. There will be someone, somewhere in that dark room of solace that will transform from mild mannered moviegoer into ill-mannered douche-bag faster than you can open your box of snowcaps.
Okay, I'm sure I've set a scene that most of us have dealt with at one time or another. Fewer things grate on me more than some jerk who can't show some proper movie theater etiquette. Coming from a film background I've been taught to revere the cinema. It's my temple and I should treat it with the respect that comes with experiencing the divine. However, there are some people, who shall no longer remain nameless, that believe that the movie theater is just a minor extension of their own living rooms. The time for passive ire is over. The following offenders do not deserve anything less than calculated movie-style vigilante justice. If you find yourself conflicted, just ask yourself, “What would Charles Bronson Do?” The following classifications are ordered from misdemeanor to ultra-egregious.
•The Hungry ManNow, I realize that half the fun of going to the movies is to partake in the over-priced, highly caloric food that litters every theater from Walla Walla to Pensacola. I also realize that moderation is a relative term inside a movie theater. The terms “small” and “large” take on entirely different meanings inside those hallowed halls of Hollywood. Only in the movie theater can I physically sit in my food's receptacle and eat my way out of it. If that's not American engineering, then I don't know what is! But, I digress.
The Hungry Man is more spectacle than irritant, yet in the context of sitting in the theater, it's a grating act that, if not dealt with, eventually takes you off the task at hand. Shuffling, rattling, chewing, burping, heaving, and slurping. All verbs that are accurately associated with the Hungry Man.
Most able adults are capable of making decisions at the concession counter; however, during the moment of truth the Hungry Man skips that unnecessary internal conflict. With one magical, sweeping hand gesture he has procured enough sugar to give the surrounding moviegoers type II diabetes.
With booty in tow, the Hungry Man meanders his way into the theater and finds his seat. With a food-balancing act that would make a Cirque du Soleil performer pause, the Hungry Man is ready for movie time. From the moment he uncovers his nachos to the point where the last Milk Dud unglues itself from it’s box, the Hungry Man can ruin even the loudest of war scenes with his over-active jawing. However bothersome the Hungry Man seems, he is truly one of the lowest level offenders on the poor-etiquette totem pole.
•Parents and the Brat Pack
There are really two version of this scenario. A) You, a fully-grown adult, have gone to a Pixar movie on a Saturday afternoon and find yourself surrounded by the under 4' club. Or, B) You've gone to see Dawn of the Dead at 10pm on a Friday night and find yourself next to a 4 month old. Both of these scenarios are supremely irritating, but only one of them is justifiably so. With the former, caveat emptor! You get what you pay for. As hellish as watching a movie with 50 kids under the age of three can be, you have to have expected it! Much like if you wander unexpectedly into Compton at night, you're in their territory, so expect the worst! The latter scenario is where we have a problem. You're watching bodies fly across the screen. There are screams, huge explosions, and other forms of good old-fashioned chaos. Suddenly, your ears pick up a distinct sound that doesn't seem to be coming from inside the Matrix. Then, without warning, the sound is amplified into what can only be described as a miniature Sam Kinison. Then you see it. A baby. A small, fragile, innocent baby watching this R-rated carnage. If the developmental impact doesn't hit you immediately, the fact that now all your attention is drawn to this little bundle of screams will. You can't pay attention to the movie. Your preoccupation with someone else's child keeps you from your film-induced felicity.
This brings us to the million-dollar question. What can we do about it? With almost any other etiquette-related situation in a theater, you can directly ask the offending party to stop being a pest. But a baby? What can you do? If you bitch out the parent, the best-case scenario is temporary child removal. However, since I just paid $11 to see this flick, if the solution isn't permanent, I'm not interested. I posit a different tactic. It may seem a bit extreme, but I think we can all agree that there are certain levels one must rise to in order to vanquish injustice. So, here it is...forced parental castration. I know what you're thinking, but here's my rationale. Obviously, parents with this kind of piss poor decision making ability shouldn't be allowed to breed, or for that matter, try to make any attempt at a societal contribution. It's a bit fascist, but drastic times call for drastic measures.
•The Conversationalist
A heinous offender, no doubt. This chatty Cathy just loves to talk. During the previews. During the opening credits. During the gratuitous sex scene. Whenever there's room for commentary, the Conversationalist will have his opinion at the ready. But they don't blabber incessantly just to talk to their favorite on-screen heroes. The Conversationalist will talk to anybody in his or her general vicinity. Deep inside they feel that if they're upfront and open about the event taking place during a movie that they will be validated by fellow patrons. Little do they realize that with every guttural utterance of monosyllabic interpretation they are driving the people they seek approval from farther and farther away. The conversations usually go something like this: “Don't step through there! They've got guns!” they'll say. Turning to the person on their right, “He needs to go to the other end of the warehouse!” They'll continue to blather on, oblivious to the fact that while there may be some similarities between the theater and their own family room, e.g. chairs, light fixtures, and gravity, this giant room full of complete strangers looks nothing like what he'd find at home. It may be acceptable to behave like a moron in your own house, but when you're with unfamiliar company, it's a good idea to be on your best behavior. Inner thought becomes inner after-thought and since the mental fuse controlling that behavior is obviously blown, you'll continue to hear from the Marv Albert of the movie theater. They'll talk in muted tones depending on the situation, but any sound coming from anywhere but the screen will yank you right out of the moment, no matter how much you fight it. If there is an upside to the Conversationalist it's that they will usually restrict their oratory to related topics of the film at hand. This is a pyrrhic consolation at best, but still noteworthy.
•Cell Phone (Ab)users
There is an open debate between whether the Conversationalist or the Cell Phone (Ab)user is the worst offender of modern day poor theater etiquette. This may be the most subjective of all the classifications, but I tender that one is clearly first in line for a hemlock spritzer. Nothing, and I mean nothing will distract, annoy, irritate, and generally anger more people in short order than one or more people firing up their cell phones during a movie. Whether it’s to answer a call or to text their bff, cell phone abuse is rampant, and completely unacceptable. Nothing says, “I don’t care if I shit on your good time” like a taking a cell phone call during the climax of Finding Nemo. Not only does the theater go out of its way to ask people to turn off their phones, but then to not only keep it on, but have the balls to actually answer the phone is unbelievable. As you sit watching the most poignant moment on screen, suddenly you hear Beethoven’s fifth symphony blare across the ether. As you scan the theater for the perpetrator, you see them check the call waiting, pause, then answer the call. As you sit there in the soft blue glow of an a-hole induced bewilderment, you hear the famous line, “No, it’s okay, I’m just at the theater watching a movie.”. Un-freaking-believable! This more than anything else that happens in the theater makes me want to cram a foreign object up someone’s nether-region.
The entire reason for going to see a movie…is to see a movie! I would never give someone an extra $15 on top of my monthly service fee for the privilege of using my cell phone in a movie theater. And quite frankly, I don’t know anyone else who would either. Yet, that said, whether it’s the middle-aged businessman, or the pack of teenagers, it will happen. It must happen. Unfortunately, even with phone dampening technology on the horizon, I don’t see this situation alleviating itself any time soon. And even when that technology does come around, I’m sure that human ingenuity will shine down again, thus perpetuating the Cell Phone (Ab)user.
There is one common theme that strings its way through all of the above offenders. I believe that it rests in the crux of all the bad decision making leading to poor movie etiquette. It's this simple fact: Some people are completely unable to discern between appropriate private behavior and public behavior. Somewhere along the twisting road of life they blew a tire or two and have been running on the rims ever since. I realize that there are always exceptions to any rule, however given the empirical evidence I've witnessed first hand, I can't allow these offenses to go unchecked. Going to the movies should be fun. You should surround yourself with like-minded people who share your sense of humor, or drama, or suspense. But most importantly they should share your desire to watch a movie and not have to worry about senseless interruption. To sit idly by and let one or two people ruin the collective experience just seems unjust. I realize that, unfortunately, I can't turn the tide alone, but maybe; just maybe, a collective slap in the nuts is just what Johnny Q. Moviegoer needs to snap him back to reality. To a better reality. Where going to the movies is fun again.
